At a Santa Fe gas station:
We will sell gasoline to anyone in a container.
In a New York restaurant:
Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.
On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
38 years on the same spot.
In a Florida maternity ward:
No children allowed.
In a New York drugstore:
We dispense with accuracy.
In the offices of a loan company:
Ask about our plans for owning your home.
In a New York medical building:
Mental Health Prevention Centre
On a New York convalescent home:
For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.
On a Maine shop:
Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
At a number of military bases:
Restricted to unauthorised personnel.
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
Now available in multi-packs.
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
In a funeral parlour:
Ask about our layaway plan.
In a clothing store:
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!
On a shopping mall marquee:
Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced
Outside a country shop:
We buy junk and sell antiques.
In the window of an Oregon store:
Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?
In a Maine restaurant:
Open 7 days a week and weekends.
In the vestry of a New England church:
Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
On a roller coaster:
Watch your head.
On the grounds of a public school:
No trespassing without permission.
On a Tennessee highway:
When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.
On a ski lift in Taos, NM:
'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.'
Official sign near door: Door Alarmed.
Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.
Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus (translation of the Greek):
'Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice'
A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race:
Let's see who can go downhill the fastest
Sign in King's Canyon in California:
'Slow Parking Ahead'
Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago:
restrooms
[arrow pointing left]
Please wait for hostess to seat you.
Seen in a health food store:
"Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot "
And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says: Do not throw stones at this sign.
13 Jun 1999
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